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I keep telling myself it will be over soon.

Posted on 2011.04.18 at 09:49
Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Jonsi & Alex
The only way I can deal right now is by meaning it this time. Believing it this time. I wonder if this is a test of my ability to take care of myself... I have failed. I always seem to try to find ways around my fears. Try to compensate by any means which accommodate my anxieties. Eating healthy... Exercising, resting... Learning. Desperately trying to succeed at being my own doctor. I am an absolute fool. I could be dead. This could be almost anything. This certainly seems unusual and bad. Sigh. The key is, when you can't help yourself, you go to those who can. Which is, in turn, helping yourself. Taking care of yourself. I feel like an ass. The only thing that makes reality okay right now is believing myself this time... When I promise myself that I will go to a GOOD doctor. I absolutely cannot stand anymore being disabled and feeling horrible, feeling very useless and costly to my husband. I feel like I am not being the wife I should be in so many ways. I don't care about anyone else or how they might be affected by me in general, especially since they don't seem to be. But I can't stand feeling like I'm failing us both. I can't stand feeling the need to be in bed all the time without knowing why... This is ridiculous. I want to be who I am supposed to be. Happy, healthy, productive, a good wife. I want to relieve Brian of stress duty. It's completely unfair. I want our life back.

I can't help but feel like I'm always punishing myself for some reason. Living with discomfort I think is a way for me to punish myself unconsciously. Maybe I feel like I deserve it somehow. Not that I actually believe that but mental patterns, y'know. I know there is a thing inside of me that hates me. It's just emotional bullshit. I know it's not my fault. I feel so separate from that self-loathing. I don't understand it or why it's inside of me. But I really don't like feeling guilty or punishing myself. Totally not okay with those two ideas. I have nothing to feel guilty about... And I know that I deserve praise, not punishment... Because I am a good, caring person god damn it. I know all of this. I just wish I could get it out of my head that living in misery is being me. Because I was always sick of feeling bad. From the day my life fell apart. I didn't want it.

It will be over soon.

Need a change.

Posted on 2011.04.17 at 07:11
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Jonsi & Alex
I am displeased with my position with the world. Not in... But with. Okay. So, let's try this and see if it helps any: I'll do my best to keep from rambling, at anyone, ever. I will do my best to keep from seeking and thinking about other people in excess, in general. Even though I already have one... I need to remember my identity, rinse it off, iron it, put it back on and NOT feel wrong in it. I need to gently wash out these stains.

It feels good to be clean. Fresh, clean fabric of my being. Like new. Light blue and pure.

I feel bad.

Posted on 2011.04.13 at 04:23
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Mum
Ask the universe for help? It complies instantly as though it were hypnotized. Such is the immediate wisdom and action of the one Mind. Where we know no time or space. It waits for me to ask, though. I realize that this, for me, involves not just visualization and fully formed words or sentences in my head but also physical action via gestures. All at once. Okay. Okay, it replies. I feel better. Suddenly. Not 100% but I can deal now. Thank you. Then, I think... Maybe I can/should give back in peace and gratitude. I immediately feel weak as though I am not ready to give back... I reverse the process and as I reflect on the experience and wonder what went wrong while still trying to reverse it, I suddenly feel and hear and see the universe rush sweetly into and through me with a loud and continuous but soothing, loving and implicating "SHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and I realize... This is what the universe has had to say to me for a very long time now. Desperately trying to fix me. "Shhhhhh" it says to my psychological wailing. My anxiety. My distress causing me to think things over and over and over again, my spine aching and neck popping. The tears come too easily. The universe knows... I need silence inside. And I remember Pam's words: " You can do what I do. You just need to listen more closely." I thought she meant to everything around me... Or the world I inhabit... I realize, she meant to my insides. To myself. Listen to myself. Stop talking at myself and asking myself questions, scratching myself bloody in my mind, stressing out over questions and fears. And just... Listen quietly. Carefully. I start to wonder if this is related to my depression surrounding feeling unheard and uninteresting. Unattracting, unworthy of listening, of positive attention and so on.

Interesting. I had a dream that I was helping some crazy, broken spirited woman with words of clarity and wisdom about life and existence and as I was saying goodbye to her, Brian sped away on his bike to catch the bus to work. I ran as fast as I could to try and catch him before he left so that I could say goodbye... But I had difficulty running and was too late. I was very, very saddened by this and woke up sort of emotionally distressed. I'm not sure what that means except maybe that I feel intense guilt, sadness and even perhaps sometimes loneliness because I often feel like my needs are coming before my relationship with him and maybe that these problematic experiences I'm going through are making me feel detached from others or distanced in general... I don't know. But I am more concerned with shaking the feeling the dream has left me with than I am about the real-life issues getting resolved in appropriate time. I did not like that dream at all. And I know that this is all very temporary. It's just depressing because my closeness with Brian is much more important than anything else is to me and this shit does feel like it gets in the way a lot, at least on my end. It makes me angry, frustrated, impatient... Determined. But for now, it is depressing. I am doing the very best I can...

Everything I want is bad for me. Why? Intuition replies, "there is a disconnect between pleasure and loving yourself." there's that eerie voice again... Hi. That's true. Thank you, thing. I will try to do best with this information. "Also, see 'Self-destruction' or 'Self-punishment' for more information." ...Okay... Thanks again. Heh.

Things I need to hear myself say every day.

Posted on 2011.04.08 at 10:27
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Olafur Arnalds
I am not broken.

I love you.

Thank you.

I have everything I need.

I will turn this pain into something good.

My suffering will turn into great advantage and abundance of life-riches.

This pain will turn into power.

This pain which has been my prison will turn into a special invitation to an unusual kind of freedom.

My unusual disadvantage will inevitably become an unusual advantage.

I have been given gifts which not everyone is given. These horrible experiences. I was chosen for them. They were for ME. Because I have what is needed to turn them into goodness. I have the special talents. To turn this evil, stronger than any evil... into a good stronger than any evil.

A good stronger than any evil.

Oh. That's me. I forgot! That that is me. That is why. That is my answer.

Because I am a good stronger than any evil.

Stronger than any evil.

Even my own evil... I am a good stronger than even my own evil.

Evil stronger than any evil. Still, I am a good which is stronger than any evil.

Even my own evil.

I am not broken.

My heart is broken. It was perfect. Now, it is an evil stronger than any evil. But my soul is better than perfect.

It is good.

A good stronger than the strongest evil.

Even my own evil... the black, shiny plague oozing from the tight, infected seams of my poorly child-mended, broken heart.

I love you.

Thank you. Brian.

And I love you.

And thank you. My immortal soul.

For being a good stronger than the strongest evil, living inside of me.

My soul. I'm not begging you anymore. I'm telling you. GO AND GET IT. SEEK IT. LOCATE IT. BRUTALLY ASSAULT IT. SUFFOCATE IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. CRUSH IT LIKE A BLACK HOLE. KILL IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. DESTROY IT FOREVER. IT IS NOT WELCOME HERE. THERE IS NO HOME FOR IT HERE. NO GROUNDS FOR SUSTENANCE. NO FOOD FOR IT. NO SHELTER. NO RESPECT.

I have nothing but malice for this evil... and yet, it is made from malice. I have not usually been fond of the tactic of "fighting fire with fire"... and in this case, especially, I feel that that would be ineffective at best.

It makes me angry, it stimulates my self-defensive instincts but those are food for it... If I can't be good, I need to be cold.

It's this burning inside that is killing me. Burning rage. Rage rage rage. I don't get a moment's reflection before I feel the hysterical need to self-destruct.

Pain to rage to self-destruction. My life in a short blip.

My soul... you need to crush it with the weight of your cold, unbreakable, endlessly heavy, boulder-like being.

My soul. Suffocate it like the ocean suffocates creatures which do not belong in it. Without occasion, without blinking, without even stirring in your sleep. Like a particle of dust is consumed and overwhelmed by the power of the wind. And it's gone.

But do it with calm. With peace. With little or no thought. With quiet emotion. I need you to be the mother's calm and collected intentions to keep the child perfectly away from harm.

I need you to be with me when I fall away into despair. Just hold it away from me. What do I have to do? It's holding me away from you...

I had a dream night before last...

Posted on 2011.04.06 at 09:18
Current Location: Bedroom
Tags: , , , ,
The dream started out like this.

I was looking at a seed that I was holding in my hand... I was wondering if it could still grow because it had just passed through my digestive tract.

The seed looked okay... looked normal. I was excited to plant it and see what might happen. I was excited because I was pretty sure it would grow.

I wonder if the dream is doubly meaningful because of how deeply fond of and engaged in gardening I am these days.

The seed looked like a Nasturtium seed. Precious... I love that plant, now that I've sprouted it, for some reason. I am fond of the way in which it grows and its energy pleases me. Maybe that has something to do with why the seed in my dream appeared to be one of those seeds.

Do I need to make any verbal connection between this dream and what I've been going through with my intestines...? The pain, the misery, the fear... of cancer, internal bleeding, candidemia or death, etc. (I technically still have no proof or test results indicating what is wrong with me which WOULD frighten me a lot if I had not discovered cayenne pepper and apple cider vinegar and the information on their level of effectiveness against cancer, ulcers, arthritis, etc. Essentially, all of my symptoms and all of my possible causes are very treatable with those two remedies along with regular exercise and very strict diet.)

Here is what some well-regarded websites have to say about dreaming about seeds, roughly:
a) "To dream of seeds represents productivity, tradition, and endless possibilities. It also symbolizes the cycle of existence. In addition, it is connected to a person's essence and spirit. Inventive new thoughts are growing and blossoming in your consciousness."
b) "To see seeds in you dream, symbolize fertility, heritage, potential, and continuity of life. Now is the time to start a new venture. Alternatively, a seed relates to the human psyche and soul. An idea has been planted in your mind and new a experience is being created."

Symbolic of my newly found remedies which seem to be actually working after over a year of desperately trying to fix myself? I would imagine so.

I will never forget that dream. It's been deeply burned into my mind forever along with the one about my evil twin whom I could not stop from destroying the world (when I first met what appears to be my "spirit guide"), swimming slowly through the deep of an ocean filled with perfectly still, sleeping baby dolphins in the darkness of night, swimming along side a giant whale while communicating with it through silent eye-contact... all of the recurring nuclear bomb dreams. I will never forget my most deeply impacting dreams. They hold more raw emotion and experience than I've ever encountered in waking life... or at least as much, to be fair.

Like the one where I gave birth alone in the woods. That was literally awesome. Very emotional and powerful and GOOD feeling. STRONG feeling.

I really hope that this dream of the seed passing through my intestine is a good indication that I can now look forward to getting better and having a happy, functional life again. I am more optimistic than ever before, despite having more questions than ever before about my conditions. At least now I have a vague but efficient answer to my body's seemingly vague (to my untuned mind) but horrible and loud questions. Even if I don't understand it 100%. If my body says that that's what it needs, I'm happy that I found it.

Please grow, my precious little seed... Please grow.


A tightness in the throat.

Posted on 2010.12.13 at 11:33
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Tags:
Maybe someday I will learn to express every profound sentiment I have and then... I will hate no more. My spine will crack. No more. Stifling myself because I'm intimidated by the probable consequences otherwise and the frustration that comes with passing up the opportunity for communication through, at least, my own will to express myself in full to the world or whomever... is enough to make me hate the thing that started it all. The person, the culture, the world... But the mistake is mine. The rage comes from my own hesitation. I can talk all day long but I don't say everything that needs to be said and that's probably why I just keep talking. Words, words, words. But what I really want to say... Is that I'm very disappointed in you. I am mad at you because I never got to make the choice about having overwhelming, unbreakable empathy and this makes me infinitely and endlessly vulnerable and obsessed with the control I will never have over you nor over forever having to feel what you feel. Experience what you experience. This is why I have so much anger and sadness. This is why I live in fear and tension. This is why I have so much strength and so much love. This is why it pains me to be impolite to ROCKS. I am as mad at you for not loving yourself as I was at myself for not loving myself. I think I get lost often inside of the gray area between myself and you. The rest of the world. The rest of our Self. But for now, I AM, to a certain degree, an entity which is separate from you. From the rest of our Self. Or, for now, Selves. We are choosing to live as a community of entities but we can never be separate. This is why I'm mad at you. This is why I am so occupied with fixing you, educating you, assisting you in self-repair in any which way I can. As though you were a lung and I were a liver in the same body. In some prehistoric way... which isn't obvious to me now. And seems not obvious to you, either... we don't just need each other. We are each other. That's why you piss me off soooooo fucking much! You eat that aspartame and drink that HFCS and watch that porn and sell your body for crack and beat your child and rape that person and sell that soy baby formula poison to your own famiy and... yeah. You're pissing all over my body, my mind, my heart. My being. My well-being. My children. My loved ones. Does it get much more black and white than that...? Love and family: the most important thing in existence. Violating love and family on every possible front, without shame, with no end in sight...? Is that not as bad as it gets? Is that not as simple as "Entity Attempts to Destroy Most Important Thing in Existence: Entity Needs to be Destroyed"?? That being said... the entity is not the person or group of people. It is the true cause of their ignorance.

This all brings me back. Way back to that old simple wisdom that all is derived of either Love or Fear.

So. Fear is the enemy. Love is the remedy. I think I've still got that pretty well straight in my core. Just not flowing freely through... a tightness in the throat.

This is why I have writer's block.

Posted on 2010.11.20 at 13:33
Current Location: In the chicken
Current Mood: jubilantElated
Current Music: Tegan and Sara BLUH
Tags:
Because I use up all of my thoughtful expressions in conversation these days. Haha.

 "You're by far the best thing that's ever happened to me. That's why you're the Best Thing. I always wanted someone like you to show up in my life and save me. Just like that. That's how I always fantasized. And I always felt guilty for it and told myself that that was fucked up and that only I could save myself, etc. That I had turned my back on myself and wanted someone else to come fix me, etc... But now I realize, that I wasn't wrong in fantasizing about you. Because all you did was give me what I deserve and always needed and the revelation of the fantasy becoming a reality is that I needed you to be with me so I could finally fix myself. Because I wasn't going to do it without you. I'm just so stubborn. That was my only term. I wasn't going to move from the rock that I was until I felt safe and happy enough to do so. I accept my stubborn quality, though. Because I think it's saved my life a hundred times."

*nod*

Posted on 2010.11.05 at 14:21

Originally submitted at Bob's Red Mill

Made with a perfect blend of gluten free flours and starches, this mix can be transformed with little effort into your favorite cake that starts with a white cake, or simply bake as directed for a delicate vanilla cake.

Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Vanilla Cake Mix

Absolutely amazing! Best cake EVER.

By Robotanist Ratty from Santa Barbara, CA on 11/5/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Gluten Free, Unique, Flavorful, Vegetarian, Healthy, Delicious

Best Uses: Gift, Cooking

Describe Yourself: Gluten Intolerant, Health Conscious, Chef

I actually never liked cake growing up. My mom would serve pies for my birthday instead of cakes. I am gluten intolerant and after seeing this mix, I thought I'd see if I liked cake... :) This is the best cake in the world! It's so light and fluffy. I added cream cheese to the batter and made a cream cheese frosting with lots of pumpkin pie spice. You can also throw in lemon juice, lemon zest, any sort of nuts, minced apples or berries, etc. I like adding raw hemp, flax and chia seeds. This cake does NOT last long because everyone who tastes it can't stop eating it! Highly recommended! :D

(legalese)


Posted on 2010.11.05 at 14:16

Originally submitted at Bob's Red Mill

This mix makes a light, crispy, delicious pizza crust. Specially designed for those sensitive to wheat or gluten and delightfully easy, this whole grain pizza crust bakes up to two 12" gluten free pizzas! Top with your favorite gluten free toppings and savor how delicious homemade pizza can be...

Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Pizza Crust Mix

I have made over six pizzas with this!

By Robotanist Ratty from Santa Barbara, CA on 11/5/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Healthy, Flavorful, Vegetarian, Gluten Free, Unique

Best Uses: Cooking, Snack, Gift

Describe Yourself: Chef, Gluten Intolerant, Health Conscious

I am SO happy that I found this product! I am gluten intolerant and pizza is probably my favorite food. I have made many, many pizzas with this mix and my only complaint is that it stays pretty soft. Some people like the crust soft and I happen to like it VERY crispy! I found a solution to this problem, though: Cutting the pizza into slices after it's finished then individually baking the slices a second time at a high temperature. Works great in a little toaster oven. This dough reminds me of yummy bread sticks and some of my guests have told me that it's THE best pizza they have EVER had in their entire lives. :)

(legalese)


Posted on 2010.11.05 at 14:10

Originally submitted at Bob's Red Mill

Mighty Tasty Hot Cereal contains brown rice, corn, buckwheat, and sorghum. This gluten free cereal is a delightful way to get your energy level up and going and keep it there all day long.

Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Mighty Tasty Hot Cereal

Tastes like cream of wheat but better!

By Robotanist Ratty from Santa Barbara, CA on 11/5/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Vegetarian, Gluten Free, Unique, Delicious, Healthy, Flavorful

Best Uses: breakfast, Cooking

Describe Yourself: Gluten Intolerant, Chef, Health Conscious

This stuff is so delicious! It is VERY filling so you don't need nearly as much as your eyes may tell you. I love adding cream or almond milk to it with local honey and pumpkin pie spice! I also throw in raw flax, hemp and chia seeds and you can add any nuts or dried fruit or berries or fresh fruit, etc. that you wish. Be creative! It's very healthy on its own and the more nuts and fruits you add, the more nutrients you get. :D I am gluten intolerant but I always loved cream of wheat and this is even tastier so I am a VERY happy customer! :)

(legalese)



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